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eleanor

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He had found someone.

Or rather, he had found two someones, and he hadn't called for an appointment yet, but he had almost made up his mind to do it. He had done what he considered due diligence, had researched both names online, had found testimonials and reviews and credentials. He had thought about it for hours. He had paced and thought some more.

He was terrified. That was the fact of the matter.

The other fact was that he was so tired of being terrified.

So he had almost made up his mind. But it wasn't quite done yet. There was one more person who should have some kind of say, who should at least know before he went ahead. One other person who had every reason to take a keen interest in the outcome.

With Eve curled up purring in his lap and his fingers working over her head and neck, he waited for Eleanor to come home.

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I was running a bit late, but I texted you so I know you're not worried. I had to stay late at the bookstore to finish some re-arranging for the owner. It wasn't a problem and I really want the owner to think I'm doing a good job. I don't even know why, I don't need the job, but I want to accomplish something I guess. Something real and tangible and good. Something Mother probably wouldn't approve of.

I wonder what that says about me? That I still have so much anger towards her.

"I'm home!" I call out as I enter our apartment although I have the feeling you would know it even if I was silent as the grave. I still feel that we're connected, just a little, even if there's no logical reason for us to be. "I'm sorry I was late."

"It's fine." He looked up and smiled, and the smile was genuine, even if it was small. He couldn't imagine ever not being happy to see her. Nothing was going to change that. Nothing was going to change who he was. "How was work?"

"We're redoing all of the holiday displays. People take Christmas very seriously and the holiday they call Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet. It's... baffling." But then all holidays are to me, I've never celebrated them before coming here. I almost ask you if you did, but of course you did once. Everyone in Rapture did. But not me. Mother said they were ultimately selfish and didn't serve the good of the people.

I drop my coat and backpack near my bedroom door and come into the living room, sitting next to you and little Eve. I even reach out and give her a scratch behind the ears, something I know she likes a great deal. "Was your day good?"

"It was... Yes." As always, it was comforting to have her close, a feeling that the world's arrangement was correct and in balance - the ghost of the bond, perhaps.

"Are you looking forward to Christmas?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I've never celebrated it before." Mother didn't approve. Between the folly of religion and the selfishness of the gifting she was quite set against it. "I don't even know how, except for what everyone's talked about. And a few movies I've seen."

"As far as I can see, it's a time to be with family. Friends. There are parties, presents... It seems like fun." He smiled again - he remembered from last year, and though he had felt a little left out of everything, there had been so much that he had liked.

So much that had made him miss her.

"I didn't get a tree last time. But I was thinking it might be nice to have one."

"What are they for? The trees, I mean." I've seen them, in books and in the decorations that everyone's putting up, I just don't see the point of them. "Isn't it better that they stay in the ground? Producing oxygen?"

Perhaps I'm still a child of Rapture in that. The idea of cutting trees down for mere decoration is somewhat appalling. A flower here and there is nice, but an entire tree?

"What are they for?" Perhaps it should have surprised him that the question had never occurred to him, but it simply never had. It had simply made its own kind of sense immediately, even if he didn't entirely understand it - almost as if it was something familiar.

"I'm not sure. People just seem to like to have them. We don't have to, if you don't want to."

"I'll think about it." It could be nice, having something so... traditional. I suppose it's just growing up in Rapture, the one thing you didn't damage were the trees, that would kill everyone. I know it isn't the same here, I just need to... re-arrange my thinking.

Reaching out to scratch Eve some more, I feel myself relax some more. This place is nice, I needed to stop seeing bad things everywhere. We're a family now, Father, we don't need to live in the shadows. "Have you eaten? I was going to make myself a sandwich, but if you're hungry maybe we can make pasta?"

"I can cook. I think I would like to. If you want to help me." He paused, looking down at her fingers as the little cat arched with pleasure and purred. "But first I have to tell you something. It's very important."

"Alright." I'm not sure I like that tone, Father, but you've never failed me and I don't think you'll fail me now. But I do sit up to pay closer attention for it's not often we speak like this, but when we do it is quite important. Like when you told me about Lily, who's become so important to us both now.

He set Eve gently aside and turned to face Eleanor more directly, reaching down and taking her hand. He still wasn't sure how he would help her understand this, what she would think of it, but he had to try.

"You know I don't remember anything that happened before we were... changed," he said slowly. "I don't even really remember that change. There are only pieces. Whatever my life was before that... I have no idea."

"Of course, I know. It doesn't matter to me." I give your hand a squeeze. I don't mind it, I never have. "What's important is that we're together, we have now, we have new memories."

"I know." He squeezed her hand back, taking comfort in it. "But it does matter to me. Eleanor... I know a little. Stanley Poole... He told me some of it. That I found Rapture. That I didn't come from there. And then you showed me that he helped Ryan to take me, to change me."

He looked deeply into her eyes, willing her to understand.

"Something was taken from me. I need to know what it was."

I have to fight to keep from flinching at Stanley Poole's name. None of this would have happened if he hadn't been such a selfish coward. He wouldn't have sent me to the orphanage to keep me silent about his betrayals, he wouldn't have turned you into Ryan, and I hate him for that. But at the same time, you forgave him. You saw the little person he was and decided he wasn't worth your anger and I learned from that. I learned so much from that, but at the same time, I hate him. I hate him so much and you can probably tell.

And at the same time, I'm frightened, Father. What if you decide you like the life you remember more than the one we have? What if those memories take you away from me? "You need it?"

"I need to remember," he said quietly. "I don't... I don't think I can be that man again. I don't think I would want it. I have this life, with you, and that's what I want. But I need to know where I come from."

His mouth twisted as a ghost of anger surged up in him. "I deserve to know what they stole from me."

"I'm certain you do. And I want you too." I do, but what if you miss that life too much. What if it harms you, makes you resent what happened to to even more? I worry, Father, that this will hurt you even more. And perhaps...

...what if you had a family before? Another child, perhaps. I know it sounds so terrible of me to think it, but I can't help it. I love the life we have here and worry about anything that could change it.

"They took so much from you. You... you should have it back."

He shook his head, still holding her hand. "I didn't say I want it back. I don't think I can have it back. Whoever I was before, I'm not that man anymore."

He closed his eyes briefly. Johnny Topside. They had said he was a brave man. That bravery hadn't counted for much in the end.

"I just want to know... who I was."

"Is there..." I take a breath, "What can I do to help?" I'm not sure this is wise, I don't really know what you hope it will accomplish, Father, but I won't make you do it alone. If you're certain to do this, I will support you and help where I can.

It wasn't a question he had expected. He had already decided that he would be satisfied if she only seemed to understand why he needed it, or if she was at least not so alarmed that she tried to convince him not to. He considered, then shook his head.

"I don't think there's very much. Just... be patient with me. I don't know where this will take me. And don't be afraid." He reached up and stroked her hair back from her face. "I will never leave you."

It isn't that I'm afraid you'll leave me, it's that you'll be taken. Again. I don't want to be that scared child anymore, watching you fade away from me like you did once before. It took us so long to get back together, I don't want to lose that again and these memories, what if the build walls between us. All I will ever be, all I have is my past in Rapture, our shared past, but you have something different and something deeper that no matter your promises now, could still take you away. If only by inches.

But if it is truly what you want, I will keep my fears to myself. I will do that for you, because I love you and you want this so badly. "I know, and I will never leave you. Never ever again." I wrap my arms around you, because I feel it's all I can do, but it feels like an ending. Like we're on a cliff, looking over the edge and you're about to fall. All I want to do is hold you close and keep you safe.

He held onto her, again marveling at it, that they were together at all in spite of everything, as if for a time the entire world had conspired to keep them apart.

And hadn't succeeded.

"I would not change it," he said softly. "Any of it. I would rather have gone through it all than never have met you."

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