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eleanor

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It was after the beach that he decided it was time to come out and say something, if for no other reason than that now there was clearly something to talk about. Before, he hadn't been sure. Now... He didn't really know what else he needed to make him sure.

He didn't know what this was yet. But it was something. And Eleanor deserved to know.

Deciding that turned out to be the easy part.

So for a while he waffled without wanting to admit that what he was doing was waffling, puzzling over how exactly to talk about something he wasn't sure how to define, what exactly she needed to know and what she didn't, until finally he had to accept that it was probably going to be awkward regardless of what he did.

So he ordered Chinese food. It seemed like the thing to do.

"Eleanor," he called, after he paid the delivery man and shut the apartment door, turning toward the kitchen with a bag fragrant with steamed vegetables and General Tso's chicken. "The food is here."

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"Wonderful, I'll be right there!" I call from my bedroom where I've been working on some advanced chemistry problems for extra credit. It's difficult, but a difficult that I enjoy, like a puzzle, if the pieces fit, it works, if they don't, it doesn't. There's no maybes and no amount of wishing can change the answers.

I don't know why, but there's a comfort in that for me.

I check over the last problem I finished before I head out, the smell of food making me realize that I didn't have a snack this afternoon and haven't eaten since lunch. It's funny, Father, I was so often hungry down in Rapture and here I've almost forgotten how it feels to go without.

He was getting plates down to put on the kitchen table, and he smiled at her as she came in. "I'll get chopsticks," he said. "There's iced tea in the refrigerator."

Now that she was here with him, it didn't seem like such an awkward thing to tell her. And why should it be bad? He was happy. Maybe it should be something he was excited to talk about.

"Get me a fork, too?" I'm still not used to chopsticks. They're so strange. I know that some of the families in Pauper's Drop used them, but I still sometimes find them baffling. I'll try, because I think you want me to.

I retrieve the tea pitcher from the refrigerator and pour us each a glass, setting the pitcher to the side when I'm done. "How was work today? Are there any new fish I should go see?"

He nodded, pulling two forks out of the drawer. He'd wanted to learn to use chopsticks as soon as he'd realized one used them at all, and he'd stuck with it even through the awkwardness - but it was still awkward, and maybe it was good to have some backups.

"They say we're going to have otters," he said, setting the cartons down on the table. "I'm not sure where they're getting them from, and every time I ask they just look at me like it's a strange question, but." He shrugged. He'd long since accepted that the other segment of Darrow's population operates according to their own peculiar assumptions.

"What's an otter? I don't think I've ever seen or read about one." They sound funny, but then there's a great many things that do. Even under the sea. "Are they a type of fish?"

I take my seat and wait for you to join me, smelling deeply at the scent of all this food. I think you ordered enough for four of us, but then I do like leftovers. Even cold.

"They're not fish. They're mammals. They actually have fur. But they swim most of the time." He had never seen one either, not that he could recall, but he had found out what he could after that. The idea of people finding out that he didn't know had bothered him a little.

He sat down and reached for some chicken. "Apparently they can be very cute."

"Then I shall have to come by. If they're as cute as Eve, I'll have to see them for myself." I like animals, especially those that were kept as pets. We didn't have pets in Rapture. There were cats, but they were mostly free-roaming to keep the rat population down. Although how the rats got down there I'll never know.

Reaching for some rice, I remember something I've been thinking about. "I'm thinking of going diving, would you like to come with?"

He looked up, a little surprised - and a little surprised at being surprised. It wasn't something he'd given conscious thought to, not when it came to her, what being in water like that might mean.

And what it might mean to him.

"I... suppose I could, yes." He thought of something else, then, and toyed with one of his chopsticks. He opted for total honesty, no matter how awkward. "The idea... honestly I think it makes me a little uncomfortable, but I'm trying to get over that." He paused. "In fact, someone asked me to go surfing with them."

"You don't have to, if it would make you uneasy. I just... I miss it. And the sky is so big sometimes...." It made me nervous, to be honest, and I'd taken to carrying an umbrella with me. Something to make me feel like I had a roof over my head.

"But I think surfing might be nice, too. Who asked you?"

"She's... a friend." The truth was that he still wasn't sure what to call Lily, and no other word really seemed to fit. A least not yet. So 'friend' might not be completely accurate, but for the time being it would have to do.

"We've been spending some time together." He paused, still toying with his chopsticks, rolling them between his fingers. Fingers which felt a bit clumsier than normal. "I like her. A lot."

Edited 2013-06-20 04:13 (UTC)

"That's wonderful, Father, I'm glad you have good friends. I've been making some, too. That's the lovely thing about this place, I don't have to be afraid of what Mother would say about my friends." She was always so disapproving, but then that's hardly a surprise to you, is it? I had to sneak out and make my one childhood friend behind her back, and once she 'rescued' me from you, all I had were the Sisters and they... I loved them dearly, but they were very boring, Father.

"Perhaps we should throw a party. I heard that in the summers people have these bar-b-que events with cooking and maybe swimming or music?"

"I..." He falters slightly, not because he doesn't like the idea but because he's not even sure what to make of it. He's been to parties, sure. They don't even make him feel all that strange anymore, don't make him feel like maybe his guard needs to be up. but throwing one himself...

Then again, it's not like he'd be doing it alone.

"I suppose we could do that. I'd like to meet some more of your friends." He paused. "You should meet Lily, too. I've been telling her about you."

"You have?" I wonder what you've told her, but I trust that it is not anything that will harm me, or us. I trust you and if you trust her, that will be good enough for me.

I take a bite of my dinner as I think about it. About her. You say she's a friend but I wonder if she's... well, I hear about these things, I'm not completely ignorant and you are like any other human now. "What is she like?"

"She's a dancer." He was proud of her, he realized. Not the kind of pride that came when something was owned, or existed to make someone else look good, but simply that there was so much about her that he was eager to tell, now that he had started. "She works with the ballet. She's smart, and funny, and she's... kind. And she's been patient with me."

He gave Eleanor a smile, faintly rueful. "I'm not really sure what I'm doing, you see. With most things."

"Oh, I've never seen real ballet, just pieces in movies. Can we go see her sometime, Father?" It sounds so beautiful and elegant. The bits I've seen are so... the dancers float across the stage like the air is water, flowing around and beneath them. I think it's beautiful and she must be, too.

"Perhaps she can help me too. Most of what I know comes from the books I read and movies I watch."

"She actually wanted us to come see her dance. She said she could give us tickets to the show she's in right now." His smile widened, grew less rueful. "She wants to meet you. I think she would like you very much."

He paused, then reached out and laid his hand over hers, giving her a squeeze. "I hope you like her too."

I return the squeeze, how can I not? You look so happy and anyone who can make you happy like this is wonderful. No matter what kind of relationship the two of you have, I think I'm grateful for it.

"I really can't wait to meet her. Really, Father, I'm certain she's wonderful."

"I think she is."

He paused again, then picked out another piece of chicken, his smile fading very slightly. "I know I must have had... friends like her before Rapture. I wish I could remember."

"I am so sorry. Rapture took so much from you." So much from us both, truly. "But we're here now. We can make new memories. I am making new friends and you are making new..." Whatever this Lily is to you. A friend. Or... something.

"We're building a new life," he said quietly. It was just that simple. "I don't think building a life can ever be easy. No matter how many times you do it." He paused, ruminating, his eyes searching her face.

"I was never really angry before, about the things that were taken from me. Not like I was angry about everything that was taken from you. But lately I've been feeling... What happened to me wasn't right." His expression softened. "Except I never would have met you."

It's a difficult thing to think about, isn't it? Had you never found Rapture, I would have lived and likely died by my Mother's whims. Or as a Little Sister wandering the halls of Rapture. But you would have been free and I know I would have wanted that more than anything.

"I would... I would rather have had your freedom. Even if I..." Well, we need not discuss what would have happened to me. "You could have had a family, children that... that are really yours. You have every right to be angry. I am."

He paused, thinking. He had mentioned anger, and he felt anger some of the time, but now most of what he was feeling was... sad. Because there wasn't really anything to be done about it. It had happened. They had both suffered too much.

And now they had a chance to build something new. He would protect that, just as he had always protected Eleanor when she was too small to protect herself.

He reached across the table and took her hand again, something fiercer in it now. "You are really mine," he said, voice low and firm. "You're my daughter. In every way that matters. I will never be sorry for having met you."

That I am, and that I will always be. The bond between us is so much more than anyone, Sinclair, Tenenbaum, Suchong, even my mother could ever understand. We are Father and Daughter not because of some random accident of birth, but by choice. By love. And in that, I think we are stronger than any family.

But still I find myself mourning the loss of the life you once had, and how much better it might have been for you had you never found Rapture. I love you, Father, and always will, but you did deserve much better. I hold your hand and I can feel your love and I hold onto that, pushing the guilt away and replacing it with joy. "I love you, too. So, when can I meet this friend of yours? Can she come over some evening, for dinner maybe?"

"Yes. I will ask her." He smiled again, feeling the brief darkness passing. He wasn't afraid of it, didn't even hate it, but it was important to remember that it wasn't all that there was.

When once it had really seemed that way.

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